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HOW 






It is said that books which treat of manners 

and customs, live longer than many 

nobler works dealing with 

less popular subjects. 



-i 



/ 




Ward & Co., Publishers. 
ROCHESTER, N. Y. 






COPYRIGHT BY 

WARD & COMPANY, 

1886. 



Preface. 



In this age of busy lives and crowded hours, one 
scarcely finds time, to more than snatch a few sen- 
tences on any subject. This thought has suggested 
to the compiler of this little volume, the putting 
together of some of the received rules and maxims 
of polite society, in a form which can be read at 
odd moments, while waiting for the train, the boat, 
or in the hours of suimner leisure. Short para- 
graphs are more easily read, and the memory re- 
tains them longer, than whole pages on the same 
subject. 



This compilation has been made from various 
authorities upon Etiquette, and together with sug- 
gestions which have occured to the compiler, is now 
presented to the reader in a form convenient for 
reference. 

" A publication is not rendered improper or need- 
less, because works of a similar nature have preceded 
it. Little would ever issue from the press if such 
a principle were admitted. For what new thing is 
there under the sun ? Neither is an author in this 
case supposed to undervalue the labors of those who 
have gone before him." — Wm. Jay. 



Contents. 



PAGE. 

Calls and Receptions, - 9 

On the Street, - 19 

At Home, -.._-. 25 

At the Table, - - 38 

Weddings, - - - - - - - 52 

Guests, 59 

Lawn Parties and Flowers, 63 

Debuts, - 68 

Chaperons, - - - - - - - 71 

Rules and Maxims, - - - - 75 

Letter Writing, 80 



Sails and Receptions. 



■* # 

* 



" Manners are of more importance than Laws." — Burke. 






" To the unrefined or the underbred person the 
visiting card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of 
paper ; but to the cultured desciple of social law it 
conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its 
texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of 
leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name 
it bears in a pleasant or disagreeable attitude, even 
before his manners, conversation and face have been 



io CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 

able to explain his social position. The higher the 
civilization of a community, the more careful is it to 
preserve the elegance of its social forms." 

It has for a long time been the custom to have 
the initials R S. V. P., engraved or written on all 
cards of invitation, but it is now generally under- 
stood that the usages of good society require that 
an invitation shall be answered without delay, and 
that it would be the greatest neglect not to do so ; 
hence, the form of using these initials is unnecessary, 
and has the appearance of reminding a person of 
their duty. 

A card sent by a messenger, or by mail, is equiva- 
lent to a call. One card, even, during the year is 
sufficient ; by this you can be kept on any lady's 
list of acquaintances. 



CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. n 

Social visits are nearly obsolete. All sociability 
is largely confined to receptions, lunches, five o'clock 
teas, &c; that is, the more formal visits. The rea- 
son for this is obvious ; in our crowded cities and 
busy life, we have no time for protracted visits, as in 
the olden time. 

If a lady has a certain day, for seeing her friends, 
a call should be made on that day, if possible. 

If one cannot call on the reception days, apologize 
for calling at another time, perhaps giving as a rea- 
son, that so many ladies have the same day, that all 
cannot be reached. 

It is better to have a smaller circle of acquaint- 
ances, and have time to enjoy their society. 



i2 CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 



A first call should be returned within a week. 



In calling where there are several ladies in the 
family, leave a card for each. In making the first 
call of a season, a lady should leave her own card, 
and that of her husband, and other members of her 
family if she chooses. 



It is not necessary to call after a reception if one 
has attended it, or has left or sent a card on that day. 



It is a pleasant custom to have an evening every 
week to give to one's friends, having a light refresh- 
ment served, a cup of chocolate and thin bread and 
butter, or a cup of coffee and cake. 



CALLS AND RECEPTIONS 13 

When it is understood season after season that a 
lady has a certain evening for her friends, her home 
becomes a favorite place, where there is little cere- 
mony and where one finds those they wish to meet. 

Cards with the names of husband and wife, as 
M Mr. and Mrs. L. 0. Smith," engraved on one card 
are used as cards of condolence or congratulation, 
but not as visiting cards. 

In Europe the custom of sending cards by mail 
is universal, and it is gaining in favor in this country. 
Much valuable time and endless trouble can be 
saved in this way. 

A lady should always inform her servant if she is 
not to see visitors, as it is very annoying to be seated 
in the parlor and then be told that the lady of the 
house cannot see you. 



i 4 CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 

A gentleman is not expected to call on a lady 
unless invited to do so. She can do this in a very 
simple way, as, "I hope we shall see you," or some- 
thing of that kind. 

Never take a gentleman's hat or coat when he 
calls ; allow him to take care of them. 

When and where to leave a card is often a vexed 
question in this day, when sociability is carried on 
so largely through this medium. 

P. P. C. cards are left when one is going out of 
town for a length of time ; they may be sent by mail. 

In giving an invitation, if the lady's card who 
sends the invitation, is enclosed, it is the same as if 
she had called. 



CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 15 

When a young lady first enters society, her card 
should be left with that of her mother, or her name 
engraved on the same card with her mother's. 

A call should be made, or a card sent within a 
week after an invitation, whether the invitation is 
accepted or not. 

When a lady has been absent for a length of time, 
it is proper on her return, to leave cards at the 
homes of her friends and acquaintances. Every 
lady should keep a calling list or visiting book. 

It is customary, when the birth of a child occurs, 
to send to friends, (enclosed in a small envelope), a 
tiny card with the name of the child and date of 
birth engraved upon it. This may be accompanied 
by a card, with the name of the parents, as, u Mr. 
and Mrs. E. Smith," if they choose. 



16 CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 

Washington is the only city where new comers 
call on the residents. In all other cities and towns 
the resident calls on the new comer. Washington 
people greatly prefer their custom, but the usages of 
society there cannot, with propriety, be applied to 
any other city. 

A young lady should remember, that gentlemen 
respect those, who are particular not to allow expense 
to be incured for them too often, or in too large an 
amount 

It is customary for ladies who have a certain day 
for receiving their friends, to pass coffee or chocolate 
with cake, thin bread and butter, or wafers. It is 
pleasant any time, for a lady to have something to 
offer a guest; a glass of lemonade, a cup of bouillon 



CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 17 

or some confection. Wine is to be shunned. It is 
more hospitable to offer some refreshment. We do 
less of this here, than in any other country. 

If ladies are to have any time to devote to their 
favorite pursuit, or study — such as music, art, em- 
broidery, painting or writing, or for charitable work, 
they cannot have the time broken up by promis- 
cuous visiting. So, from necessity, visiting becomes 
formal. Ladies should never be over-dressed in 
receiving at home. 

If a lady is not certain that her hostess knows her 
name, she should be sure to speak it. One should 
always leave a card in the hall if none is sent by the 
servant, as it assists in remembering their visit. 

"Miss" should always be engraved on a young 
lady's card before her nama 



i8 



CALLS AND RECEPTIONS. 



A first visit should never be returned by card 
unless the lady is in mourning, in that case she may 
send her card. 



It is no longer good form to turn down the corner 
of a card. A plain card, engraved, is in the best 
taste. The name written on the card, is allowable, 
but never use a printed card. 




II 



©n the Street. 



# * 
# 



'We'll wander thro' the streets and note the quality of 
people." 






" A woman can wear nothing so becoming as a 
winning smile." 

Avoid a cloud in the face, a frown or a scowl, no 
matter how you feel. 



Form the habit of wearing a smiling face at all 
times ; it is greatly a matter of habit. 



20 ON THE STREET. 

In meeting people on the street, always take the 
right; if this is observed no awkward scene will 
occur. Never bow to the same person a second 
time, unless very intimate. 

It is rude to push or jostle against people ; always 
be ready with a " beg pardon," if you accidentally 
push against another. 

Gentlemen should raise the hat to ladies they 
meet on the street, and in the halls and stairways 
of hotels. 

Introductions on the street may not be taken as 
formal, and the acquaintance may, or may not, be 
kept up, just as it is found to be agreeable. A 
gentleman should wait for a lady to bow first. 



ON THE STREET. 21 

Wherever you are, respect the rights of others, 
whether on a crowded street, in a car or omnibus, 
or in a public assembly. 

It is ill-bred to be boisterous or loud in any place. 
Young ladies should not be seen on the street too 
often ; it makes them seem common. 

Foreigners have too much reason for thinking 
that our young ladies are bold and familiar and have 
no dignity. 

A habit of continually gadding abroad, in search 
of amusement, will give one a restlessness of temper 
which will be difficult if not impossible to overcome 
in after years. Never be in the habit of carrying to 
your friends the last bit of scandal or idle gossip. 



22 ON THE STREET. 






" Though it be honest, it is never good to bring 
bad news." " Let ill tidings tell themselves." 

Quiet dress on the street is in the best taste. 
Bright colors, and bad taste in dress, often cause 
women to be misunderstood. 

Some ladies have correct taste intuitively. They 
know without thinking, what is pretty and becoming, 
while others have no- conception of this, and take 
the word of the modiste as law. 

No matter how much money a lady may spend 
on her dress, if it is not in good taste, she is dowdy 
and vulgar in appearance. Every one should study 
what is becoming to her style and not adopt a style 
because it is the fashion, with nothing more to 
recommend it. 



ON THE STREET. 23 

Never dress conspicuously. Avoid being over- 
dressed. The style of dress for the street is more 
and more plain — fewer ruffles and furbelows. 

It is said that the Princess of Wales recently wore- 
in London, a suit of navy-blue flannel when riding 
o n the top of a coach — a great contrast to the gay 
colors and delicate materials, worn by ladies in New 
York, as they ride in the coaching parties. 

A plain riding-habit is one of the most becoming 
dresses a lady can wear. 

Be scrupulously neat in attire. Gloves, ribbons 
and handkerchiefs should be fresh and of the 
daintiest sort. 

Laces should be confined to the house. 



24 



ON THE STREET. 



Always be civil and courteous to every one and 
be quick to render a favor to the aged and decrepit. 
" Small service is true service while it lasts." 



"If every one would see to his own reformation, 
How very easily you might reform a nation." 

Old Rhymes. 



Ill 



sJ{i 3(ome. 



* 



" Winning ways and habitual courtesy, make their, way 
to all hearts." 



•* ■* 
* 



When people are invited to a house it should be 
considered proper to speak to any person present 
without an introduction. People are sometimes 
over-nice in regard to this, and it amounts to rude- 
ness. It is ill-bred to resent being spoken to because 
no introduction has taken place, when all are invited 
guests. Conversation should be as easy and natural 
as if their names had been formerly spoken. 



26 AT HOME. 



In introductions, always present the gentleman to 
the lady, No gentleman should be introduced to a 
lady without her permission, and no lady should be 
introduced to another unless they have "been asked 
if it is agreeable. 



At a dinner party, the hostess should introduce to 
a lady the gentleman who is to take her to dinner. 
An invitation to dinner should always be sent by a 
private messenger. All other invitations and cards, 
may be sent by mail. 



An answer to an invitation to dinner, must be im- 
mediately returned in the same manner it is sent. 
After a dinner a personal visit should be made 
within a week. 



AT HOME. 27 



Because a lady has not a large house she should 
not feel that she cannot give luncheons or dinners. 

A small house, where everything is dainty and 
in good taste, is often more attractive than the more 
pretentious. We take as a matter of course, the 
large parties and balls of the wealthy, but the select 
tastefully arranged luncheon or musicale, in a cozy 
home, is refreshing and enjoyable, partly from the 
simplicity and good cheer. 

Bring together people of similar tastes and sym- 
pathies and you have the pleasantest sort of com- 
pany. It is not the display that one can make, that 
pleases people, it is the feeling of good fellowship. 

Emerson says: "Fashion is good sense enter- 
taining company ; it hates corners, and sharp points 



28 AT HOME. 



of character ; hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary, 
and gloomy people ; hates whatever can interfere 
with total blending of parties, while it values all 
particularities as in the highest degree refreshing, 
which can consist with good fellowship. " 

If a person is naturally critical and harsh in judg- 
ment, they should, by a great effort, overcome that 
disposition. 

A cynic is always to be dreaded. 

Do not keep all the pleasant things you can say 
of your friends, until they are dead. It cheers many 
a heavy heart to tell them of their virtues. It need 
not be flattery. 

The home should be the place for all kind and 
pleasant sayings. 



AT HOME. 29 



Do not talk slang. Never talk in a loud and 
boisterous tone, and on the other hand, do not be 
dull, and without spirit ; have a bright way of saying 
things, without being pert. 

On entering a room where there is company, com- 
mence talking in a spirited way at once. Don't 
wait for the mood to come, or you will be em- 
barrassed and awkward. Commence just as if you 
had left the person five minutes before. You need 
not wait to be seated, one often feels more at ease 
while standing. 

So many people suffer from shyness. Do not 
think about yourself if you are sensitive and shy ; 
try to keep some one else in mind, or some subject ; 
forget self ; try not to seem nervous ; have repose 
in everything. 



3 o AT HOME. 

Some of the best men and women are bashful and 
shy It is simply self -consciousness, and very diffi- 
cult to overcome. 



Mingle more in society ; nothing cures shyness as 
quickly as rubbing against people as one meets them 
in society. You cannot reason self-consciousness 
away, no matter how wise you are. Actual contact 
with people at tea-parties, dinners, luncheons, every- 
where, is the way to best effect a cure. 



Hawthorne knew what a shy, sensitive person can 
suffer; he never overcame the dread of meeting 
people, and would do anything to avoid seeing 
strangers, By not overcoming this while young, he 
suffered all through his life. 



AT HOME. 31 



Those who are awkward and timid should remem- 
ber, that some of our first men have suffered for a 
greater part of their lives, from this. 

Try to be courteous and pleasant to all. Avoid 
extremes ; be neither too cold and formal on the one 
hand, nor too effusive and familiar on the other. 

The foundation and root of politeness, is " doing 
to others as you would be done by." 

It is a sign of ill-breeding to be indifferent, or 
have a want of consideration for the feelings of 
others. 

The habitual use of courtesy will oil the wheels 
of life for you. 



32 AT HOME. 

Examine every part of j^our conduct towards 
others, by supposing an exchange of places. "Good 
manners are the expressions of benevolence, in per- 
sonal intercourse." Always try to promote the 
comfort and enjoyment of others. 



The manners and habits of parents are, to a great 
extent, transmitted to children. 



We should never think it is of little consequence 
how we behave at home, if we are only polite else- 
where. Persons who are careless and ill-bred at 
home, may imagine they can assume good manners 
when in society, but it is a mistake. Fixed habits 
of tone, manner, language, cannot be so suddenly 
changed. 



AT HOME. 33 



Precedence should always be given to the older 
members of the family. 

Children should be required to offer their parents 
iand superiors in age or station, the easy chair, the 
warm corner, and always in a respectful manner. 

This respectful deference to parents is nearly ob- 
solete. It is to be deplored, that it should be one 
of the lost arts. 

Courtesy toward parents should be carefully 
cherished ; the tone and manner should indicate 
respect. None so ready as young children to assume 
airs of equality. 

Every act of kindness and attention should be 
acknowledged. If one is obliged to step before 
another, ask pardon. 



34 AT HOME. 



Do not notice personal defects. Never allude to 
the faults of . others or the faults of their friends. 

Never speak disparagingly of the sect or party to 
which a person belongs. 

It is ill-bred to be inattentive when a person is 
talking to you. Never contradict ; if you think dif- 
ferently express it kindly. Never be dogmatical. 

Avoid all disgusting or offensive personal habits, 
such as fingering the hair, the face, the lips, cleaning 
the teeth, or blowing the nose with a noise. All 
these tricks are marks of ill-breeding and disgusting 
to persons of refinement. 

On the other hand, to bear patiently with defects 
in manners, and to make allowance for want of 



AT HOME. 35 



advantages is one mark of the benevolence of good 
breeding. 

Never refer to your own trials and afflictions. 
Talk to others of their own affairs, they are more 
interested in them, and they will like you better if 
you are interested in what belongs to them. 

Never interrupt a person while talking, no matter 
how important, what you have to say may be. 

If there is anything you can do to contribute to 
the pleasure of the company you are in, do not 
refuse. If asked to sing, or play, or read, do it 
cheerfully, if in your power. If it is impossible, 
refuse politely, but decidedly. Do not hesitate and 
after being repeatedly urged, comply. 



36 AT HOME. 



It is not good form to urge people, after they have 
refused. 



If you are relating any anecdote, don't give all 
particulars and be tiresome ; get to the point. You 
can take the pith out of any story, by going into all 
the details. 

In general conversation, go from one subject to 
another, with ease and rapidity. Some people have 
a habit of sticking to a subject, until it is thread-bare. 

It is very bad taste to be captious, fault-finding, 
and suspicious. 

If one tries to be pleased, he will find much to 
please him. 



ON HOxME. 



37 



It is said, and with much truth, that correct man- 
ners will go for more in society, than education or 
wealth. 




IV 



^t the Tabic. 



* * 
* 



u Cleopatra is said to have owed her Empire over Caesar, 
as much to her suppers, as to her beauty." 



■5f 



" The straight way to a man's heart is through his 
stomach." 



"Manners make the man," said Lord Chesterfield, 
and no where can good-breeding so readily be seen 
as at the table. 

Mothers cannot commence too young to train 
their children in table manners. 



AT THE TABLE. 39 



Eat slowly, and with the mouth closed. Use the 
napkin carefully ; never put it round the neck like 
a bib. A napkin should never be used but once 
before being sent to the laundry. Plain, heavy 
damask are the most elegant napkins, bat some 
ladies like the lighter ones, with drawn work and 
tied fringe. 

Never load up the fork. Never put the knife in 
the mouth. Be deliberate in all the movements^ 

It is awkward to leave the knife and fork, on the 
plate when passed the second time ; keep them in 
the hand. Never appear nervous by fingering arti- 
cles on the table. 

Crackers or bread should not be broken into the 
soup; break off bits and put into the mouth. 



40 AT THE TABLE. 



Vegetables should never be eaten with a spoon, 
when a fork can be used. 

English people serve strawberries with the stems 
on ; they are taken in the fingers, and dipped into | 
sugar and eaten. 

It is not an easy thing to eat an orange gracefully. 
Some make or cut a place at the stem, and eat the 
juice with a spoon ; others peel and quarter them or 
divide them as they naturally grow. 

Always eat grapes behind the hand, so as to catch 
stones and skins without being seen. 

In eating salad that has not been cut up, a knife 
as well as a fork should be provided, as a leaf of 
lettuce cannot be managed well without. 



AT THE TABLE. 41 

Use small spoons with, the after-dinner coffee cups 
which are so generally used. 

Menu cards are not used at luncheons. Conver- 
sation should be a part of table manners. 

The modern dinner is becoming quite a formida- 
ble affair for the ordinary housewife. 

Dinner parties given on Sunday are not consid- 
ered good form in the best society, says " Sensible 
Etiquette." When a friend or two are invited to 
dine on Sunday it is in an informal way. 

Well-trained servants are a necessity, if the host- 
ess is to have any ease of mind. When a lady is 
sure her servants can go through with course after 
course, quietly and orderly, without a mistake, she 
can enjoy her guests. 



42 AT THE TABLE. 



No lady should undertake more than she can 
carry out well. Never invite more than you can 
make comfortable. A crowded table is uncomfort- 
able in the extreme. Unless too great display is 
undertaken, one servant well trained can wait on a 
table of ten. 

Invitations to dinner should be given a week or 
fortnight before, and they should be accepted or 
declined immediately. 

Cards should be placed in the hall with the names 
of the gentlemen, and the ladies, they are to take to 
dinner. If not acquainted ask the hostess for an 
introduction. 

Dinner tables have become works of art The 
beautiful hand-painted china, in endless variety of 



AT THE TABLE. 43 



shapes ; the glass, the silver, the wax candles in silver 
candelabra ; the mirrors in the center to reflect the 
choicest flowers ; the favors in bewildering variety 
'and beauty, all contribute to make it a fairy scene. 

Always use a heavy double-faced cotton-flannel 
table-cloth under the damask cloth, as it makes it 
look heavy and elegant. 

Flat baskets of flowers and low dishes are not 
used as formerly; high pieces, as candlesticks or 
candelabra are more stylish. 

Knives and forks should be laid by each plate for 
every course except the dessert. Knives, forks and 
spoons should be placed on the side-board for the 
dessert 



44 AT THE TABLE. 

: 1 

On a side-table should be placed the finger-bowls I 
with a plate and doyley for each. The cups and | 
saucers should be on this table also. 

The servants should always go to the left of the 
guest, so that they can take the dish with the right 
hand. 

Oysters on the half-shell or on oyster plates are 
served first. Then soup and fish. Koasts and game 
are followed by the salad, with or without cheese ; 
then comes the dessert, after which the plate with 
doyley and finger-bowl is placed before every one. 
Eemove the doyley and finger-bowl to one side, 
and use the plate for fruit. 

Preserved ginger is very nice for a course before 
coffee, and after fruit. Black coffee in small cups is 
the last course. 



AT THE TABLE. 45 



The hostess rises which is a sign for all to do so ; 
if gentlemen remain they are seated again while the 
ladies repair to the drawing-room. 

Favors in endless variety are given at dinner; fab- 
ulous prices are sometimes paid for them ; baskets 
of elegant flowers, reticules of French confections, 
etc., are used for both luncheon and dinner, as 
favors. Fans, bags, toys, painted ribbons, painted 
cards, everything either simple or elaborate. Ladies 
often paint their own favors. 

Ladies living in the country should not attempt 
dinners as elaborate as those in town, for they have 
not, and cannot obtain, the appliances for doing this. 
More simplicity is expected in the country, but there 
are many accessories that will make any dinner or 
any meal attractive. 



46 AT THE TABLE. 



In the first place the dining-room should be cheer- 
ful — the windows wide open to enjoy the sunshine 
and the landscape. 

Hard wood floors are preferable to carpets, and 
rugs scattered about are a great addition. 

Colored table cloths may be used for breakfast or 
luncheon, but white damask for dinner, pure as snow. 

Always have flowers on the table, if possible. 
Wild flowers are very pretty and so suggestive of 
sunshine and pure air. 

The flower garden affords an endless variety and 
they last way into the fall. The gay annuals are at 
their best late in the season. The brilliant nastur- 
tium is in its glory until frost comes. 



AT THE TABLE. 47 

The vegetable garden is a never-ending source of 
pleasure to the ingenious housewife. Numberless 
varieties of salads, so delicious in warm weather, 
may be made with the fresh crisp lettuce, the ripe 
tomatoes, and the sweet peas, green corn, and cau- 
liflower tempt the most delicate appetite. 

Sweet cream can be used in making custards, 
charlottes, whipped cream, and ice cream. All are 
delicate and delightful desserts. 

Fruit and melons should be used freely, and if 
life in the country is not Paradise, it certainly affords 
the Ambrosia. 

Platter and tray cloths take the place of table 
mats. These are made in a variety of ways. A 
piece of heavy linen maybe fringed or hem-stitched 



48 AT THE TABLE. 

on the edge and a pretty design stamped for etching. 
Or, heavier ones can be found at the stores with 
designs already stamped on them. 

Napkins .should be thoroughly aired. The damp, 
greasy napkin so often found at hotels will take 
away the appetite of any delicate person. Never 
fold the napkin at a dinner party. 

" The napkin has played famous parts in the for- 
tunes of men and women. It was one of the points 
admired in Marie Stuart, that thanks to her exquisite 
breeding in the Court of Marie de Medici, her table 
was more imposing than the full Court of her great 
rival and executioner, Elizabeth. At the table of 
the latter, the rudest forms were maintained, the 
dishes were served on the table, and the great queen 



h 



AT THE TABLE. 49 

helped herself to the platter without fork or spoon, 
a page standing behind her with a silver ewer to 
bathe her fingers after she had taken the flesh from 
the roasts." 



" At the court of the empire, Eugenie was exces- 
sively fastidious. The use of a napkin and the man- 
ner of eating an egg, made or ruined the career of a 
guest. The great critic, Saint Beuve, was disgraced, 
and left off the visiting list, because, at a breakfast 
with the Emperor and Empress at the Tuileries, he 
carelessly opened his napkin and spread it over his 
two knees, and cut his egg in two in the middle. 
The court etiquette prescribed that the half -folded 
napkin should lie on the left knee, to be used in the 
least obtrusive manner in touching the lips, and the 
egg was to be merely broken on the larger end with 



5 o AT THE TABLE. 

the edge of the spoon and drained with its tip." — 
From " Sensible Etiquette." 

Dishes garnished with capers, water cresses, or 
parsley are very attractive, and a plain dish of 
hashed meat or potatoes, garnished with hard boiled 
eggs and parsley, is very tempting. A little care 
and taste adds much to a plain meal. 

Servants should always be neat and tidy in ap- 
pearance. Neatness is a great virtue in them. Long 
white aprons and white caps should be worn by the 
housemaid. 

Always require the servant to answer the bell at 
once. Nothing is more annoying than to be kept 
waiting at the door while the servant takes her time. 

Be kind, but not familiar, with servants. Teach 
them to move quietly about— to wear light shoes. 



AT THE TABLE. 



5i 



The adage that used to be applied to children should 
apply to them — "servants should be seen and not 
heard." Neatness and good manners are essential 
to their efficiency. 



V 



f Weddiru 



•Jf "5f 



" Unless you can swear, for life, for death, 
Oh, fear to call it loving." 



-Mrs. Browning. 



* * 
# 



"A lo^e affair must either be sober earnest, or 
contemptible nonsense ; it must be a thing with 
which you have no business at all, or it must be the 
most serious business of your life." 



An engagement of marriage should be announced 
soon after its consummation. This may be done in 
different ways. Sometimes a party is given by the 



WEDDINGS. 53 



mother of the young lady, when congratulations are 
in order ; or the family conveys the news to a few 
intimate friends, and it is then soon known. It is 
customary for the mother of the groom to invite the 
bride-elect and her family to a dinner soon after the 
announcement. 



More latitude is allowable in this country than in 
England between a newly engaged couple. There, 
no young lady is permitted to ride alone with her 
fiance, nor attend any public entertainment with- 
out a chaperon. 



About three weeks before the wedding a young 
lady should leave her card at the door of her ac- 
quaintances ; a call is not expected. 



54 WEDDINGS. 



Wedding cards should be sent two weeks before 
the wedding, the style of invitations vary with the 
fashion of the day. After the wedding cards are 
out the young lady does not appear in public. 

Day weddings are nearly the same as evening 
weddings, only the dress suit may be omitted in the 
day time. 

By many, the quiet wedding is considered the 
pleasanter, 

A morning wedding, where only the personal 
friends of the family are invited, is often preferred 
to the public display of large weddings. 

The making of wedding presents has come to be 
an expensive and often a burdensome affair. The 
extravagant display is not in the best taste. 



WEDDINGS. 55 



Presents may be elegant and costly, or simple and 
unpretentious. Sometimes gifts which are the work 
of a friend, as paintings, embroidery, etc., are valued 
more highly than those purchased, because it shows 
personal work and interest of the friend. 

It is a matter of taste whether wedding presents 
may be exhibited at the wedding or not. When 
this is done it is better to remove the cards of the 
donors. 

Presents are sent weeks before the time of the 
wedding, and are generally sent from the place where 
they are purchased with the giver's card. 

The young lady should always acknowledge these 
gifts with a pretty note of thanks. By overlooking 
this, friends have sometimes been made enemies. 



56 WEDDINGS. 



The English custom of the bridal couple going 
away in their own carriage, is followed to a certain 
extent in this country of late. Instead of taking 
the train for the bridal tour in their own city or 
town, it is becoming fashionable to drive to some 
distant railway station, a half day's ride or more, to 
take the train. 

To bring good luck, there is an old custom of send- 
ing a shower of slippers and rice after the bridal 
couple as they leave, and if the carriage is hit it is 
an omen of good. 

The bridal tour may be dispensed with now with- 
out being considered peculiar. Some fashionable 
people stay away only two or three days, and then 
appear in society. 



WEDDINGS. 57 



It is customary for either the bride or groom to 
give presents to the bridesmaids, and also to each 
usher. Bracelets may be given to the bridesmaids, 
and scarf pins to the ushers. 

It will be a relief to many a sensitive young lady, 
:to know that the old custom of every one kissing 
the bride, is obsolete. It should have been long ago, 
Only near relatives are expected to do this. 

Avoid any display of endearment in public. 

A day should be set for the bride to receive her 
friends. No refreshments are required, but it is 
more hospitable to pass tea and cake, or chocolate 
or bouillon. These may be passed to guests while 



58 WEDDINGS. 



they are chatting, by a waitress, or by one of the 
family. This custom is a pleasant one for any lady 
who has a certain day for receiving. 

The author of " Sensible Etiquette" says: 
"After marriage, both husband and wife should re- 
member that it is in home companionship that def- 
erence is most needed to lift the dullness out of our 
lives, and send the light of poetry into the heaviness 
of little cares ; that in the home circle the forms of 
courtesy are by far the most precious, filling the at- 
mosphere of daily existence with their fragrance." 



VI 



Suests. 



* * 
# 



"An agreeable, gentle, and courteous manner is a fortune." 






The English are acknowledged to be the best hosts 
in the world. They understand how to let a guest 
alone. 



When they invite guests for a week or more they 
name the day and hour they shall come, and also 
the time when they are expected to leave. This is 
a point that should be well guarded. The host or 



6o GUESTS. 



hostess may have reasons which they cannot ex- 
plain, why their guests should not prolong their 
visit, and to remain beyond the time for which one 
is invited is a great mark of ill-breeding. 

The host should tell his guest in the morning 
what pleasures he may enjoy during the day — rid- 
ing, driving, or whatever it may be — and leave him 
to walk or ride, or do nothing, as he pleases, ex- 
pecting to meet him at dinner. 

The guest is not neglected, neither is he over- 
whelmed with constant and unremitting attentions. 
Such liberty is charming. 

The truest hospitality, is to give the guest the free- 
dom of doing what he pleases. 



GUESTS. 6 1 



Do not appear to be entertaining him. Perform 
your every-day duties as usual, after providing for 
his comfort. 

The guest should be strictly punctual at meals, 
for the drive — everywhere. " Punctuality is the 
politeness of kings." 

If a guest is invited where the hostess is not ac- 
quainted, it is proper for him to go alone, but be 
sure to give the hostess due notice, so that her plans 
will not be disarranged. 

The guest should be allowed to refuse invitations 
to visit with the hostess, when he is not acquainted. 

Visiting may be the most laborious work one can 
do. To feel obliged to keep up conversation con- 



62 GUESTS. 

tinually, from morning until night, for days or weeks, 
is more than the nervous organization of the present 
generation can endure. 

The most agreeable hospitality to visitors is that 
which puts them entirely at ease. This can never 
be the case when the guest sees that the order of 
family arrangement is essentially altered, and that 
time, comfort and convenience are sacrificed for his 
accommodation. 

A guest should be given perfect freedom to act 
his own pleasure. All have not the same tastes. 
On the other hand, it is rudeness on the part of the 
guest not to seem pleased with whatever is provided 
for his entertainment, and he should enter into every 
pleasure with zest Use tact in all things ; it will 
often serve you better than talent 



VII 



£awn ^Parties and Hewers 






" There's rosemary, that's for remembrance ; 
And pansies, that's for thoughts." 



* # 
# 



Given, a fine day, a green lawn, shade trees, flow- 
ers, and something to eat, and an out-door party is 
sure to be a success. Who does not enjoy the pure 
air and bright sunshine, with a fine landscape before 
him? 



A larger number can be invited to a lawn or gar- 
den party than could be accommodated in the house, 
and there is much more freedom. The guests should 



64 LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 

be received out of doors, but ladies may go into the 
house to take off their wraps, where a maid should 
be in attendance. It is well to have rugs placed 
around on the lawn for delicate persons. 

All sorts of out-of-doors games should be pro-, 
vided for guests, and a platform for dancing built. 
A band of music adds much to the spirit of a party. 
This is not a necessity, as there are so many games 
that dancing may be omitted. Lawn-tennis has 
popularized lawn parties in a great degree. 

When the refreshment is to be served out of 
doors, cold dishes only should be used. Of these 
there is a great variety, salads of all kinds, cold 
meats, jellies, ices, charlottes, cakes. 



LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 65 

Small tables and camp chairs should be placed at 
intervals about the grounds. If serving the supper 
out of doors, requires too great an outlay of time and 
trouble, it can be served in the house. 

Potted plants and flowers may be scattered every- 
where in profusion. The more the better. 

A lawn party is a beautiful spectacle on a bright 
summer day, and is thoroughly enjoyed by young 
and old. They are every year becoming more fash- 
ionable. 



FLOWERS. 
Flowers are now used in the most lavish way at 
all entertainments. 

At dinners and luncheons baskets of flowers are 
set on oval or round mirrors on the table ; bouquets 






66 LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 

tied with handsome ribbon are placed for each 
lady, or a basket of roses or rosebuds, or of any 
flowers, is given each lady. 

The fashion of using flowers in profusion on every 
occasion is growing yearly. They are put to many 
new uses, such as sending them as valentines, as 
Easter gifts, and as favors of all kinds. One variety 
for all the bouquets and floral ornaments on the 
table is very effective. 

For a dinner, study the taste and character of 
each guest, and place at the side of each lady's plate 
a large bouquet, tied with ribbon, of the flower that 
is particularly appropriate to her character, such as 
tulips for a gay, handsome matron ; lilies of the val- 
ley for a quiet, sweet little woman ; Jacqueminots, 



LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 



67 



with leaves and long stems, for a fun-loving bru- 
nette, and so on, adopting the flower to the individ- 
ual It affords entertainment and much merriment. 



Bouquets carried by brides and bridesmaids are 
very large. 



VIII 

©ebuts. 






In everything that is done, no matter how trivial, 
there is a right and a wrong way of doing it. The 
writing of a note or letter ; the wording of a regret ; 
the prompt or the delayed answering of an invita- 
tion ; the manner of a salutation ; the neglect of a 
required attention — all betray to the well-bred the 
degree or the absence of good breeding. — From the 
French of Muller. 

A young lady makes her debut in society when 
she has finished her school days and is sufficiently 
educated in the accomplishments of cultivated 



DEBUTS. 69 



society, It is generally between the ages of eighteen 
and twenty, although many prefer to remain in 
school still later. If there are older sisters, the 
younger are often kept back for a longer time. 

Before the debut of a young lady, she should not 
attend parties of older people, even when they are 
given by her mother. 

A young lady should not be seen in society at all 
before her debut. There are two good reasons for 
this : Her time is supposed to be wholly taken up 
in pursuing studies that shall fit her for the varied 
requirements of life, and also when a young lady is 
often seen in public the freshness and bloom, so fas- 
cinating to every one, is gone in a measure, and when 
she does appear in society there is little novelty 
about it. Young ladies should make a note of this. 



7 o 



DEBUTS. 



No formality is looked for on a young gentleman's 
entering society. His coming is more gradual ; he 
is the escort of the mother or sister, long before he 
cares for it himself. 



When a young gentleman has returned from col- 
lege or traveling, his mother or sister should leave 
his card with theirs, to insure invitations for him. 




IX 



Chaperons. 






" Who can direct, where all pretend to know." 

— Goldsmith. 



# * 
* 



u There is no civilized country in the world where 
so much license is permitted in the intercourse of 
young men and women as in the United States. It 
gives to the foreigner traveling here a singular idea 
of American morality, and leads him to think that 
if he had seen young men and women acting to- 
ward each other in France as he had seen young 



72 CHAPERONS. 



Americans doing, he would reach, a conclusion un- 
favorable to the purity of their relations." — Chape- 
rons for the Girls, by Ehodes. 

A chaperon is considered a necessity in English 
society. A mother is naturally the chaperon of her 
daughter, but she cannot always be at liberty to go 
with her. 

A chaperon should be a woman accustomed to 
the usages of good society, and old enough to be 
the mother of young ladies under her charge. 

The practice of a party of young ladies and gen- 
tlemen going off for a pleasure excursion, for a day 
or longer, under the care of a chaperon who is nearly 
their own age, but who may be married, is a perni- 
cious one. She goes merely to make the party 



CHAPERONS. 73 



respectable, and never sees any violations of pro- 
priety. Foreigners form the worst judgment of 
American young ladies, as sometimes seen in these 
parties. 

It is generally felt that a chaperon of suitable 
age, is indispensable to the respectability of a party 
of young ladies and gentlemen, or that a young 
lady who is careful of her reputation will not appear 
in public without such an attendant. 

An agreeable, intelligent woman who knows the 
ways of polite society, is fitted to be the best friend 
a young girl may have. 

We do not say that all young ladies need a chap- 
eron. There are many who travel every summer 
unprotected, but who never receive the least incivil- 



74 



CHAPERONS. 



ity. This care does not indicate that these young- 
ladies need watching, but it improves the general 
tone of society and gives no occasion for malicious 
gossip. 




I^ules and 3/La2cims. 






Always learn to think and act for yourself. 
" Learn to say no; it will be of more service to 
yon than to be able to read Latin." 

Men should keep their eyes wide open before 
marriage, and half shut afterward. _m LL e. scudbri. 

A man is. in general, better pleased when he has 
a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife 

Speaks Greek. -Sam Johnson. 

Johnson was right. Although some men adore 
Wisdom in women, and with wisdom cram her, 

There isn't one in ten but thinks far more 

Of his own grub than of his spouse's grammar. 

— John G. Saxe. 



76 RULES AND MAXIMS. 

Man is continually saying to woman, " Why are 
you not more wise ?" Woman is continually saying 
to man, " Why are you not more loving ?" Unless 
each is both wise and loving there can be no real 

growth. -Thoreau. 

A house is no home unless it contains food and 
fire for the mind as well as the body. 

Margaret Fuller. 

Be a good listener. To appear interested in the 
conversation of others is a mark of good breeding. 
" There is something better than the gift of tongue ; 
it is the gift of holding the tongue." 

" Cheerfulness is the bright weather of the heart." 
Pleasant, cheerful conversation should be the rule 
at the table. It is a breach of good breeding for 
one member of the family to sit down to the table 
and silently read the daily paper. 



RULES AND MAXIMS. 77 

Never show impatience. Always defend the ab- 
sent person as far as truth will admit. 

" Self-denial is the secret of true politeness." 

Always keep the brightest part of the house for 
the family rooms. 

Never quite live up to your income. 

Do not anticipate trouble and worry about what 
may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. 

Julian Hawthorne says, " The test of a man is 
not whether he can govern a kingdom single-handed, 
but whether his private life is tender and beneficent, 
and his wife and children happy. / / 






78 RULES AND MAXIMS, 



To be thoroughly English is the fashion nowa- 
days, but the English rules for politeness in many 
things cannot be adopted by us as a nation. We 
are a cosmopolitan people, and must be a little more 
liberal in our ideas of decorum, considering the 
great variety of nationalities among us. This grow- 
ing fondness for everything that is English, "you 
know," may help us in certain directions, but good 
sense should teach us that rules of " etiquette" can- 
not be the same where, for generations, the style of 
living has been so widely different. 

" If manners are the outward exhibition of benev- 
olence, the facts show that when the most aristocratic 
nation in the world is compared, as to manners, with 
the most democratic, the judgment of strangers is in 
favor of the latter." 



RULES AND MAXIMS. 79 

The manners of England, or France, or Germany 
alone, would not be suitable for our country ; we 
may have a little of each — say the best from each 
— to make up the grand total for our free America, 
where people of all climes and tongues come to make 
their homes. 

"The records of the courts of France and Ger- 
many, in and succeeding the brilliant reign of Louis 
XIV — a period which was deemed the acme of ele- 
gance and refinement— exhibits a grossness, a vul- 
garity, and a coarseness not to be found among the 
lowest of our respectable poor." 



XI 



fetter *WYitin£ 






" Know what's right ; not only so, 
But always practice what you know." 






It is said that the handwriting indicates charac- 
ter; therefore write an open, plain hand, without 
flourishes. Above all, spell correctly. Use black 
ink. Never send a slovenly -written note to any 
one ; take time to write neatly and plainly. Never 
use ruled paper for a letter or note if possible. 
Choice quality in paper and envelopes, indicates 
refinement. 



LETTER WRITING, 



Never use numerals, as 1, 2, 3, but write out — 
one, two, three. Use sealing wax when convenient ; 
it is more elegant than to moisten the envelope when 
sealing a letter. Letter paper often has the address 
nicely printed at the top of the page ; it has a neat 
appearance and is good style. 

Always acknowledge by note any courtesy or 
kindness. Exchanging notes on business or pleas- 
ure is a good custom, as much valuable time can be 
saved by so doing in a city of distances. 

It is a fine accomplishment to be able to express 
one's self gracefully in a note or letter. It is largely 
a gift, but may be acquired by careful practice. 

Notes of sympathy to bereaved friends should be 
sent at once, with flowers if you choose. Do not 
1 expect answers. After a time such notes may be 



82 LETTER WRITING. 

answered or not. It is a delicate matter to write 
letters of this character. The commonplace expres- 
sions of condolence are not what one wants ; honest 
sympathy is what is needed. Better write cheer- 
fully of what remains for a friend to do than dwell 
in a harrowing way over their affliction. 

All notes should begin in the first person except- 
ing notes of invitation. When answering an invi- 
tation it should be in the third person, as " Mr. and 
Mrs. Smith accept with pleasure, the kind invitation 
of Mr. and Mrs. Brown." 

It has long been a disputed question as to how 
a lady shall give her signature when writing a note 
or letter on business, or to a stranger, although it is 
conceded by many that Mrs. or Miss should be pre- 



LETTER WRITING. 83 

fixed to the name. "Good Housekeeping " treats 
the subject in the following way with much force : 
"It is fair to assume that when a lady subscribes her 
name to a letter, she desires to have the person ad- 
dressed understand who she is. She should, there- 
fore, so write her signature that not only her sex, 
but her title, whether maiden or mistress, will be 
clearly indicated. I believe that a married lady is 
not justified in signing her name with simply her 
maiden initials, E. S. Jones, for example, because of 
confusion in delivering, if for no other reason. The 
person addressed, when responding, could only use 
the same form in mailing the reply, and there the 
trouble would be likely to arise. There need be no 
doubt, however, if ladies will be careful to subscribe 
as they should, i <?., give name and title, too, either 
4 in parenthesis or not, as may be preferred." 



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